I've always been waiting here for you. I watch you sometimes from up here in the clouds. I see you smile and laugh and dance and cry. I've watched you grow from a small child holding tightly onto a loved one's hand, to a strong adolescent learning how to cope with the world.
I'm sorry I couldn't be by your side to help you.
But I've been watching.
I saw you that one day in the apple orchard, scrambling up the tree trying to reach a sweet red orb. You were laughing and smiling your toothy smile, and your eyes shone with such anticipation and expectancy as you grasped the fresh crisp fruit in your tiny hands, wondering if it was safe to eat. The crimson skin reflected the bright autumn sunset as a slight chill was carried in with the wind, and it slowly donned on you that you were now stuck. The thought of getting down wasn't important when you had shimmied your way up the rough thick trunk, but now that you held your jewel closely to your chest you were at a loss. You sat up there on that branch, barely six feet up and broke into sobs, your tears and bawls cutting through the silent breeze until someone came to fetch you.
I watched you off on your first day of school, and even came with you onto the bright yellow school bus filled with chattering children. You were quiet and shy and sat near the middle of the bus, fists clenched white as you stared a hole into the floor. Your jaw quivered as you nervously awaited your fate. It was scary and hard and foreign but you toughed it out. Though your eyes were wet and you looked like you would burst into tears at any given moment, I was so proud of you. I wanted to hug you and spoil you and tell you that you were the best in the world and that I loved you so much. But everyone was working or at school so when you arrived home it was to an empty house and you ran inside and hid in your room until you cried yourself to sleep and didn't wake 'till morning.
I was with you as you made your way through your last year of junior high school, studying hard to make sure everyone was proud of you and you made it into a good high school and no one would have to worry. There were too many times for my poor soul to take where you almost pushed yourself too far and collapsed and made yourself sick. I watched as you grew distant from those you solely relied on and sought comfort in when you were small, and tried to stand by yourself, as if to prove that you could take on anything the world threw at you. You were trying to be brave and courageous and tough but I knew that it pained you to do so. No matter what, you were too sweet a child to ignore someone when they offered help or needed assistance themselves. But you were trying to grow up too fast and that hurt you. You couldn't see me, but those nights you spent crying into your pillow at midnight I sat beside you and sang you lullabies and told you stories and stroked your hair and hugged you until you fell asleep.
I did all I could as you graduated from high school and found yourself a good college and started to plan out what you wanted to do. You were excited and tense and anxious and scared but you wanted to go out and see what the world had to offer. Even if there would be bad times you knew that good times would also follow and that there were people who loved you and cared for you and who would do all they could to help move forward as you made your way into adulthood. I watched as you fell in love with a childhood friend and whispered hints and tidbits into your ear whenever you had a fight or were in need of advice. Things were tough and you had to leave for college and experience everything for the first time by yourself. Your closest form of moral support was several hundreds miles away, but you fought down your nightmares and stepped forward into life's next challenge and tried to act as mature and adult-like as you could. That first night in the dorms when everyone else was going out with friends from high school and laughing and making jokes and having a good time, I kissed your forehead and rocked you to sleep as salty drops trickled down your cheeks.
I'm invisible to your eye while the invincible barrier of life and death separates us, but I've always been watching as you've made your way through the tasks and challenges that were pitched at you. You only know my face from the old photographs of how I looked before you were born and I fell ill, and you don't know the sound of my voice or the touch of my hand. But those nights where things seemed like the world was crashing down and everything was going wrong I was there, and I was doing all I could to caress and send all my love to you.
I want to see you dearly but I'm in no rush to finally meet you and hug you and spoil you rotten. When that day comes, surely I will be crying sorrow and joy and love and reminiscing of all the things I saw but didn't see. I will hold you in my arms and you will sing the same lullabies and tell the same stories and you will be the parent and I will be the child.
And finally, our worlds will start turning once more.
Picture by: Albireo
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